BS: Not Just My Initals

"this was a painful marker in my life, that shifted the course of my life and changed me for the better, forever."

So my black eyes are all healed up now and I'm semi normal. Semi as in the bump on my head is still a problem - my mood swings, my absolute panic when the man on the subway dropped his cane on my foot - when i see a person walking towards me with even an umbrella - with loud noises - my utter lack of concentration - with EVERYTHING!

i can't read nearly as fast as i used to - i feel stupid for the first time in my life - not silly or blond - but honestly stupid. they say that any brain injury take a long time to recover - and a second degree concussion is extensive - some things will never go away nor will others ever come back.

and I can remember so vividly being about 9 praying while trying to fall asleep. I prayed for my loved ones, my cat, and that nothing happened to my legs. I was so worried for so many years that i would never be able to dance - that something fluke would happen like a car accident, my shoe lace getting jammed in an escalator and my leg getting crumbled - that i would just wake up and boom no movement. at that time i defined my life around dancing - i couldn't image a life worth living without dancing.

In my vanity I never expected my face to change - to look into a mirror and not see myself. it is not nearly as bad as it was - as anyone (esp my poor co-workers who barley new me a min when they saw me all swollen eyed and purple) will tell you. but that doesn't mean i don't still see the hideous swelling, the pulsing bulge and indentation from his cane, the green skin around my nose, the darkest eggplant on my eye lids and cheeks - BUT now I tell myself everyday - be thankful it is only this: a memory, flash back - in the mirror now is a woman with only the smallest discoloration under her eyes, the faintest numbness on her forehead, the half dollar bump on her temple - be thankful you are fucking alive.

as much as it sucks to still have a bump and all this crazy going on inside my brain - i am so thankful to have my sister, my mother, father, brother, my erin, sue's erin, shawn, itzel, orla, maureen, weez, ty bunny, dana, phyllis, ricky, rachel, my volunteering, my dog, my job, my community, both my grandmothers' spirits and divine intercession, my faith, and oh yes, my legs - cause i'm going to keep on dancin - ain't nothing gonna hold me down! oh no! I got 2 keep on movin!

------------------- more quotes that accurately describe the state i'm in ------

"There is healing in the bitter cup." ~ Southey

"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on." ~ Robert Frost

"and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said" ~ ani difranco